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In This Chapter:
The Emotional Rechargeable Battery
Vulnerability of attachment
Catharsis and Internalization
Clinical Manifestations
Chapter 16: Attachment and the Context of Connection
The Emotional Rechargeable Battery
Under good conditions, healthy older children and adults can call on an internal sense of being securely connected to those who make us feel safe. This "context of connection" is essential to our ability to weather the ups and downs of life without too much difficulty. It is indeed a "context" because we take it for granted. It's presence is implicit, background information. On the other hand, this internal battery that keeps us feeling secure does require recharging. Quite frequently, we make contact with our significant others. A large proportion of our social contacts seems primarily designed to renew this internalized context of connection.
Thus, when I refer to one's "context of connection," I am speaking of something that is internal, but has an extension that reaches out into the social environment. It can be thought of as a social organ, not confined to the boundaries of one person.
I have coined the term "context of connection" in order to conceptualize both the internalized and ongoing external relationships as one functional unit. Other than that, I subscribe to the findings and tradition of attachment theory described thus by Peter Fonagy:
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby (1969, 1973, 1980), postulates a universal human need to form close affectional bonds. It is a normative theory of how the ‘attachment system’ functions in all humans. Bowlby described attachment as a special type of social relationship, paradigmatically between infant and caregiver, involving an affective bond. More significantly, it may also be seen as the context within which the human infant learns to regulate emotion. (Peter Fonagy. Attachment, the development of the self, and its pathology in personality disorders: http://www.psychomedia.it/pm/modther/probpsiter/fonagy-2.htm)
Vulnerability of the Context of Connection
Under intense emotion, such as the experience of traumatic stress, even a secure context of connection can dissolve. When this happens, the sense of connectedness is lost. The individual feels totally alone, and is likely to sustain emotional damage. Young children, whose internalized context of connection is not fully formed are of course vulnerable. Those whose sense of connectedness was fragile from the beginning are more vulnerable. The context of connection can be disrupted by outside abandonment or loss of connection, or by the intensity of internal affects, especially anger.
Catharsis and Internalization
As described in Chapter 2, the two irreducible healing processes, are very closely related to the context of connection. In brief, catharsis makes use of the context of connection and internalization supports the context of connection. Here are the details:
Catharsis can only take place in a context of connection to a safe other. For many of us much of the time, cathartic healing can and does make use of the internalized context of connection. We feel well enough connected that we can and often do process painful experiences without sharing them with another person. Most likely, we will eventually tell someone and feel some relief, but there is no doubt that painful emotions can heal without the real participation of another.
On the other hand, trauma essentially always involves disruption of the context of connection. If the context of connection remains strong, it is far less likely that stress will have a traumatic effect. Thus, disruption of the context of connection is a major risk factor for traumatization. In fact, in my view, it is safe to assume that traumatic memories, until healed, are held in a context of loss of connection or aloneness. Often patients who have been traumatized suffer from insecure attachments. As a result, many would prefer not to depend on anyone and risk being hurt. They may ask if they can heal by crying "alone in the shower," the real answer is "sometimes, but you wouldn't be asking if you were one of the lucky ones who has an internalized context of connection strong enough for that to work."
Also as described in Chapter 2, internalization is a basic process by which values, attitudes, prohibitions and ideals become permanent parts of the self for the purpose of strengthening and supporting attachment. Even negative attitudes towards the self that are often internalized under conditions of trauma appear to serve the need to stay connected. Similarly, the therapeutic process of internalizing healthier attitudes and values appears also to be driven by the need to bond with the therapist and what he or she represents.
Context of Connection in Health
Much of our social interaction and communication serves the purpose of recharging the battery of connectedness. Think, for example, how much social conversation involves discussion of events and establishment or affirmation of common attitudes towards the events, "Did you hear what Mabel did?"
Humans do better according to many measures when they maintain a strong and robust context of connection, including both internal and external components. Problems such as personality disorders affecting the ability to form safe relationships are doubly harmful in that they lead to greater interpersonal stress, and compromise the ability to handle that stress.
Context of Connection in Pathology
Excellent work has been done on how attachment problems manifest themselves in severe character pathology. The New York Attachment Consortium is a good starting point: http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/ Here are some highlights and examples that are not in the literature:
Denial of need for connection: One early type of insecure attachment, the "anxious/avoidant" type is characterized by failure to show any need to the attachment object. Narcissistic character pathology typically rejects any need for the other. In other personality disorders, disappointment may also be accompanied by denial of need.
Fear of intimacy: Character pathology arising out of insecure attachment, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder, may be characterized by clinging and need for the other, but when the other person responds and comes closer, the patient becomes frightened and fends off the closeness. Clinically it is my impression that this fending off is in proportion to the degree of need. The patient is afraid that his or her own need will lead to vulnerability and betrayal. Attachment theory would suggest that the patterns of interaction are modeled in detail on early procedural knowledge of interactions with significant others.
Denial of Separateness: Ayn Rand, in her novel, The Fountainhead, offers the notion that for the superior beings of whom she writes, saying thank you is unnecessary. Perhaps this is an example of how for people with narcissistic and other severe character disorders, there are often situations where the usual social response would acknowledge separateness, and is strenuously avoided. Patients may be offended at the thought of taking into account another's emotional needs. One likely interpretation is that the patient is in effect denying that there is any gap between his or her will and that of the other.
Substitute Self-Soothing : One stage in the development of an internalized context of connection is the use of the "transitional object," often a stuffed animal or blanket. This inanimate, but soft object is thought to serve, for a time, as a substitute for the physical presence of the mother. Patients who manifest insecure attachments may use substitutes, especially in situations where some form of self-soothing is needed. This re-creation of a state of safe closeness can be approximated with alcohol, drug intoxication, compulsive eating, buying, etc. More destructive actions such as cutting, bulimia and self-injury may fulfill a similar function, but reflect more severely impaired development and / or less healthy early modeling of attachment.
Dependency: Many patients in treatment are able to pick up the arrested sequence of developmental steps. They may be able to make use of the relationship with the therapist in a healthy way, gradually internalizing new knowledge of positive relatedness. This kind of healing may be possible with dissociative patients, where a core personality has been sealed off by dissociative barriers and spared damage from trauma. Clinically, dependency more often connotes pathology in which the patient seeks substitute giving from the therapist. Medications, concrete services, special favors, etc. are sought as a substitute for healthy relatedness, where fear of intimacy causes the patient to avoid more genuine emotional interaction.